The phrase “Sitting Duck” is something that I’m sure we’re all familiar with, and have used many times throughout our lives, but somehow, I think we’ve all been using it incorrectly. Normally, when that term is being used, it is to convey someone or something to be a helpless, easy target, or a defenseless victim. 2013 was me redefining that short phrase, at least in regards to how I have begun to describe myself. I am the female Drake…
If you ever stare a a duck floating on a pond, it just seems to glide effortlessly, with a real chill ‘IDGAF’ kind of vibe, as it goes about it’s business. However, if you check beneath the surface, it’s little tiny webbed feet are kicking up a storm, doing the work that they need to do, to keep the body afloat. Those webbed feet symbolize my internal struggle and what seems to be my constant state of motion and being.
I don’t know if how I handle things in my life is behavior I learned or if it’s genetic, but I have an extremely difficult time expressing how I feel, outside of my writing. I’ve been attacking the paper with the pen, or should I say Microsoft word with my keyboard a lot lately, but most of that script ends up being private, and when I say private, I mean for my eyes and my eyes only. Fortunately or unfortunately, the end result of that is, most times, people close to me have no idea what’s going on with me outside of my surface float. In no way do I feel victimized or defenseless, but I do end up feeling alone and my attitude comes off as very ‘IDGAF’, while I’m as busy as a duck. Truth be told I don’ t (GAF) most times, but I do when it really counts. Maybe I have trust issues, or maybe it’s fear of letting people in. I dunno,..It is what it is.
One of my major battles, especially this year, was doing the things I wanted to and was required to do, to get to the next level, physically, emotionally and spiritually, in spite of my fear. I’ve learned that being afraid of whatever, isn’t a problem at all, but the inability to push through that fear and produce, act or do what I was supposed to, is. When new ground is there to be conquered, fear will usually rear its ugly head, so it is an emotion that constantly needs to be dealt with.
All these little fairy devils of doubt are running around with pitch forks stabbing my brain, and screaming at me to give up, and to just get satisfied with what I have and telling me that there is peace in mediocrity. There are days when the voices are so overwhelmingly loud, that I feel like I should somehow agree. Thank God that mob mentality was never my style. I fight with them, I kick them out, I keep it moving, they sneak back in, we fight again, I kick them out and the cycle continues. I will do what I must not to let them win.
2013 has been the year of building up and breaking down and starting anew. I was forced to reflect on EVERYTHING…even as far back as my childhood. Nothing was sacred this year, and everything has changed, including my name.
I remember looking at the affidavit and seeing myself being referred to by my new last name (my father’s) and I called the lawyer and said..
‘I’m still me, all he did was sign my birth certificate to legally acknowledge a fact. How come I have to change my name?’
and she laughed and told me, that by the stroke of his signature, I now held a new last name. For my whole life I was one person, and now I was going to be somebody else. When I received my new birth certificate, I cried and I scanned a copy of it and emailed it to him, and I cried some more. Had my last name been different before, I may have been placed in another class, or grouped differently when they tried to alphabetize us in school. Maybe I would have made different friends, lived my life differently somehow.
I now know that I am on the path to being the person that I need to become and that although having his last name meant a lot to me growing up, it wasn’t supposed to be until now that I am an adult.
I’ve been working tirelessly getting new pieces created for my GenX 724 line, and as excited as I am, it is such a challenge to get certain things done, when you’re not willing to compromise your………………. or kiss…………… or…………………….. ( fill in the blanks, cause there’s a shit load of stuff that can go there). Slow and steady wins the race.
See below for one of the beautiful sample pieces from my T-Shirt line.
I took part in 2 amazing fashion shows and met some truly outstanding people and I am looking forward to see where my fashion journey takes me.
Outside of my dreams and aspirations, I watched my little family unit get shaken and stirred like a James Bond drink, physically and emotionally, and most especially, when my kids and my husband and myself went through potentially life changing health issues, but through prayer and common sense, we held on and pulled through. Sometimes you just gotta take it to the knees and not to the streets. The most important lesson learned on this particular journey, was that beyond all of the things we want for ourselves, ultimately family always is the most important.
Just kind of sitting back and being alone a lot these days has made me a stronger person and I feel as if I’ll be okay. It’s funny the things that can calm us down and make us feel more of ourselves, if we just sit still sometimes.
I have a couple more comfort zones to jump out of,….and I will be jumping out of them very soon, but I need to make sure I can maintain my drake-like stance. 🙂