Purple…. The Colour & the Feeling

This was a helluva week. I said thank God it’s Friday, like I’d never said it before. I can’t remember the last time I was this glad to put a week behind me. I got my ass kicked this week, literally and figuratively. If I could describe my mood in a colour, it would be PURPLE. I feel soo beat up, but not so bad emotionally any more. I guess this is what getting jumped into a gang feels like. 😀 lol.  You get your ass kicked, but you’re in now, so you’ll deal with the cuts, bruises, broken bones and whatever turns purple like a bad   be-yotch.

Now my description of my week of purple, may end up sounding a little all over the place, because I am still slightly buzzed from the Hennessy I had for breakfast. I shall explain…..

You know when you’re doing waaayyy too much and your body starts to tell you, ‘you gotta slow down, I’m gonna kick you in the ass’, and you just refuse to listen… Well on Wednesday, the flu came a calling. Big time. It didn’t even knock on the door, it just tackled me like a quarter back.

This attack came on the heels of an already emotional week, that  had me thinking about the past and closure and all kinds of crap that should put me on a psychiatrist’s couch. I shook myself out of the mood quick, fast and in a hurry, after listening to a comedian my boss had playing in the office from a  youtube link. The funny man said “Are you feeling really depressed? Then kill yoself!” I laughed so hard, that my head hurt. I had to tell myself, “Yooo it’s not that serious. Get over it!”

I pep talked myself back into a safe emotional place, but the flu was still kicking my ass. My wonderful and faithful breakfast/lunch lady, could hear the ache from the flu in my voice, so she called me over for my breakfast and a shot of liquid happy, which is supposedly also good at curing the flu. I’m not a drinker, but with the way I felt, I was willing to try anything.

It actually did make me feel better. My sinuses cleared up, I was able to breathe close mouth, and I felt like I was getting a warm hug from the inside. I felt nice. I was then informed by my boss, that I was possibly slightly drunk, but he was cool with it. 😀

I was now also in a way more reflective mood. Because the situation I encountered this week is not one I can fix, I started to think about closure, and getting it from within. I also became aware of emotions that I had pretty much dealt with in true ostrich fashion, when things were unpleasantly and unexpectedly brought back into my life, and made me stand at attention.  I can recall saying at least 10 times this week, “I don’t wanna deal with this shit.” When there are things I cannot control, or sort through for whatever reason, I box it away and hopefully it stays dead, or plays dead. lol. 😀 Lazarus started kicking a few weeks ago, but this week he kicked his way out of the tomb. Voila’! Shit on plate, shit in face, shit must me dealt with immediately.

I was successfully able to wrestle certain emotions back into submission, but it got me thinking hard about my past.

For whatever reason, I thought about my ex, (how da f*^k did he become a factor? )and how I was able to just one day, out of the blue , shut down and walk away and NEVER look back. I had to internalize that closure as well. I believe over the years, I had envisioned that since we’d both moved on with our lives, that one day, we would accidentally meet up and he would say something Shakespeareian like..

“My fairest Tameka. My longest lost, one and only true love. Oh how I misseth thee and thine presence. Since last I looketh upon thine beautiful face, I have been forced to reflect upon mine cowardly actions of, abuse and infidelity, I beggeth thee to forgive me of my transgressions. I throw myself at thine feet, and pray that one day, I will become the man, you suspected I was capable of being.”

lol 😀

I remembered watching  the Rihanna, Oprah  interview, and the part that stuck out to me the most, was that she felt as if she needed to repair a relationship with her father, in order to fully forgive Chris Brown and move on. It dawned on me that sometimes, as much as we box stuff away, whether we like it or not, it may come back to bite us in the ass, even if it takes a long time. So,..I got this bright idea that maybe I should try to get closure, not for what happened this week, but for what happened over 11 years ago. I thought I could have a sensible sane conversation with my ex. I called up someone who I knew would have his number, and after I got it, I stared at it for about an hour, before I called.(I was smart enough to use a number, where the call could not be returned, should he decide on one of his dumbass days that he felt like talking to me.) I felt immediately overwhelmed, being just a phone call away. We had only seen each other a handful of times over the years, and spoken maybe three times in the 11 years, last time being not even 3 months ago. It was a brief conversation, we saw each other in the streets, he seemed normal and contrite in his demeanor and a 3 to 4 minute conversation ended with me saying and genuinely meaning, ‘take care of yourself.’ I thought If we had a proper conversation about what had actually happened between us years prior, and he was open and honest with me about his true feelings for me then, and even said something less than poetic like, “yo shit happened, I’m sorry, I was an asshole”, I could’ve taken that. I wanted to know the whys and the hows of all of the epic shit that went down, where I may or may not have gone wrong, and truly appreciate it for what it was. Wishful thinking. Short version of what happened, he was blameless then and is an asshole now. I was like………

You live you learn.  You may not get the result you are looking for, so just prepare for an unfavourable response, and recognize, that ultimately, closure comes from within. I have also come to the conclusion, that closure is sometimes overrated. 😀 Denial is not just a river in Egypt. It is a very real place in our minds and some of us need it to exist.

I distinctly remember telling him years ago, (just like in The Colour Purple, when Celie  told Mister, without the whole knife to throat thing), ‘Until you do right by me and everybody you hurt, everything you even think about will fail!” I actually told him that shit. Yeah I know, I am a dramatic bitch. lol 😀 Apparently, that statement I made is a curse that works. lol I didn’t know it at the time. By the way, I am not lifting that shit, I still stand by statement. The curse stays. lolol 😀 (Evil laugh)

You may not get the closure you want sometimes, but the people who deliberately hurt you never get the peace they desire, until they fix the shit they break, or apologize for it. Or maybe not. Some dirty f*^kers always land on their feet. lol 😀 What can you do? As Rihanna sings.. “Live yo life.!”

Anyhow, closure be damned, I still physically feel like warmed over shit, still can’t breathe out of both nostrils at the same time, but this too shall pass. I gotta go look up some more curses. 😀


About bak2moi

I am a woman trying to balance motherhood and womanhood, while pursuing her dreams. Hopefully I get to keep at least foot on the ground during the process.
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