Wonderland ….Penis wishes and Vagina dreams…

At times, I can be a downright pathetic, idealistic, sappy, dreamer. My mind is this place of wonderment, that I tend to get lost in sometimes. I always have a vision of what certain experiences should be like, usually the major ones and I always have to remind myself, that most times, the reality of a circumstance can NEVER live up to the fantasy and spectacula-la-la-ness of  my thoughts. If I could give an accurate description of what inside my mind is like, I would say it’s a cross between Alice in Wonderland, Wille Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Kung-fu Hustle and Lady Chatterly’s Lovers, all rolled up into a psychotic mind tripping . 😀

Welcome to my world.

Now, I’ve spoken countless times about becoming a parent and the experiences that I’ve been having. Needless to say, it is NOTHING like I envisioned it to be. In Wonderland, motherhood consisted of me being immaculately beautiful, consistently wardrobed in white or other light and airy pastel colours, whilst my hair and clothing would be constantly in motion blowing back, as if I had my own private wind machine like Beyoncé when she’s on stage, as I run gracefully towards my perfect immaculate, well-mannered children, who speak in British accents and say shit like ‘jolly good’ and call me mummy. Also in wonderland, Enya, Deep Forest and Morcheeba are playing on loop. However, whenever I am running, only ‘Caribbean Blue’ by Enya is playing. I’m sick. I know, I need help. Don’t judge me. 😀

Motherhood was a dream for me, probably more so that getting married. I wonder where I got all of these ideas about parenthood from, because let’s face it, I didn’t grow up in a situation anywhere close to ideal, to draw reference from. In my mind, it was perfection. I would give birth to these ‘perfect little miracles’ *hard eye roll* , a boy then a girl, without making a vulgar sound, take them to my perfect house, that would never be untidy, they would be 1 year apart in age, they would suckle from my breasts, never bottle fed, while I sat in the world’s most comfortable rocking chair. They would become instantly potty trained, grow up beautifully and handsomely, never fighting or causing me to raise my voice. In adulthood, they would take on important careers and become well-respected. Also, my son would be about 6′-5″ (basically he would look like a black Thor), speak in a deep thundering bass british accent, (he would still call me mummy), and fiercely protect me and his sister as his father does. Their in between years of childhood and adulthood never really consumed my Wonderland thoughts. I was stuck on them as babies/cute toddlers, then they would miraculously become responsible adults. Like I said..Wonderland. It’s a great place to be.

It’s a good thing my sane self intervenes every now and again and tells my psycho self to calm down and be reasonable, or parenthood would’ve be a helluva shock to the system.

I had a girl, then a boy, they are 5 years apart in age, I don’t wear white and other pastel colours, someone stole my wind machine, (come to think of it, it looks exactly like the one that Beyoncé has,) That Bitch! I never found a comfortable rocking chair, breast-feeding hurt like you wouldn’t f*^kin’ believe,  so I introduced them to carnation Good Start, quick, fast and in a hurry. I’m always cleaning my house, wiping somebody’s ass, picking up toys, tearing them off of one another before they draw blood, yelling at them to behave and they have yet to develop their british accents. There is still time though.

Being a parent to a girl and a boy is like being a parent to two different species. Because I am a faithful woman, I know things will get better, but for now my kids’ harmonious moments are fewer than I would like. As a parent, I also say some of the most ridiculous things that I’ve ever heard come outta my mouth or anyone’s for that matter. Parenting one child, (a girl) was good, but I now know it was also very deceiving. Having a second (a boy) completely changed the parenting dynamic and it is nothing short of the most interesting experience of my life. Penises and Vaginas think differently.

My daughter is more cool relax, like a Jazz CD. My son is like heavy metal and hip hop rolled into one. He is the reason I think I say so much crazy shit and then when you combine the dynamic of the two, I am soo far away from Wonderland, It’s like the someone smashed the looking glass sealed the rabbit hole, pulled the velvet rope and told me that I was a reject and not allowed to enter anymore.

There are phrases and statements that I could never have imagined uttering, but they are now apart of my daily dialogue and vocabulary. Here are some of the things I say daily in the REAL world, that I never say in Wonderland.

Sweetie, you won’t be allowed to have a boyfriend until you’re 24.

Please don’t say shit. (usually said to my son)

Take your hand out your pants boy.

No I do not want to smell your finger! ( said to my son)

Please take your penis off my leg! (Though that could be said to my husband or my son) 😀

Don’t go back outside without your clothes on.( said to my son)

Do not tell me to be quiet. ( said to my son)

Stop chasing your sister with your penis.

I don’t know why it’s stiffy,..just stop touching it!!

Yes, I have a vagina.

No daddy does not have a vagina.

Stop asking people about their private parts.

Stop singing the penis song.

What is that on your finger!

I don’t care if you farted!

Don’t touch me or anything in my house!

Don’t fart on your sister!

Please get in the tub now!

Jesus Saviour Pilot Me!!

This is why I cannot wear light coloured pastel clothes. Reality and Wonderland exist in two different galaxies, and in the real world, I’m hot and sweaty.

Somebody please get me Beyonce’s number, cause  I need my damn fan back and I know she has it!!

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About bak2moi

I am a woman trying to balance motherhood and womanhood, while pursuing her dreams. Hopefully I get to keep at least foot on the ground during the process.
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4 Responses to Wonderland ….Penis wishes and Vagina dreams…

  1. Linisa says:

    ha ha ha ha ha ha you and Salma have scared me into not becoming a mother anytime soon, you’ll stories crack me up. Although it is funny that I’ve never called you at home and not heard “Ayuuuu tap nowwwwww!!!!!!!!!!” ……… ” Stop fighting!” … But I think you look well sane though, nice body, nice locs, and you still have all your teeth, and I’ve never seen a grey hair, sooooooooo I think your good? *secretly laughs*

    • bak2moi says:

      Come on in,..the water’s fine….lol. Don’t be scared. Between the crazy shit Salma and I go through, you have shitloads of advice ot get you through. Oh yeah ,..I put on my sane alter eg0 when leaving the house, so I don’t scare anyone…:-D and I am greying…just not on my head.LMAO.

  2. momtuition says:

    Oh shit! You turn grey there too? I never thought of that. It’s a good thing I run ‘Kojack” style 🙂

  3. Xart says:

    Thanks for sharing such a good idea, article is
    good, thats why i have read it entirely

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