Yesterday I went to the Epicurean. I don’t go very often anymore, because since they moved to their brand spanking new location, it feels soo much further (though it isn’t) than where it was before. ( I don’t do well with some changes and this is one that I did not like, and still have yet to warm up to.) It was sooo freaking convenient being right next to Wood’s Pharmacy. Anywho, while I was picking up a few things that our house always runs out of during the week, my husband calls me from home.
“Yow way you day?”
“Wha you a do?”
(Serious Eye Roll,..I am in the Epicurean, take a wild guess..lol)
“Picking up bread, and some stuff for the kids.”
“Check the cupboards for me. Do I need to pick up anything else while I’m in here?”
“Yeah Arwe need some condoms” ( he says this laughing his ass off.)
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah go and buy some.”
“Aight cool. Luv”
We hang up.
I don’t recall ever purchasing condoms in the Epicurean before, but I go on the hunt. They have to have condoms. This is where the convenience of Woods Pharmacy comes in. I walk waaaaay over to the other end, towards their pharmacy section, looking up and down , and guess what.? I see no condoms. What the f*^k kind of Pharmacy is this? No condoms? Are you kidding me? I start to feel this dread build up in the pit of my stomach. Please don’t tell me I have the ask the dispenser for my prophylactic? Why aren’t condoms within my reach? Why do I have to ask somebody for my sex paraphernalia? Medical professional or not, they are gonna give me the “bomchicka wow wow look” like yeah , you gonna have sex tonight. LOL.
I stood in the fricken aisle next to the rubbing alcohol practicing how I was gonna ask for them.
“Good day, by any chance does your fine establishment sell condoms?” (British accent)
“Hello, do you sell condoms here?” (In my best american accent)
“Hey,do you guys have condoms?” (Still american accent) 😀
“Hey, you sell condoms here?” (For whatever reason, that voice came out sounding like I was Jamaican)
By this time, I am laughing at myself. Anybody walking by would have thought , who is this crazy bitch talking to herself? lol
When I thought I’d found the right phrase with the right accent, I went up to the pharmacist, and I said.
“Aarrrrrrrrrmm, ah..Never mind.”
I am a grown ass, married woman, with two children, and I found it impossible to ask for condoms. I don’t get it. It was almost as if I was asking for herpes cream or something.
I can count the amount of times I’ve ever had to buy condoms on one hand, and after yesterday that amount remained the same. On the occasions I have bought, I would stand halfway between the condoms and whatever was next to them, so no one could decipher what I was looking at, grab quickly like a thief, buy something I had no intention of buying to hold over them, purchase my prophylactic, and get the f*^k out. This always takes place at woods.
Purchasing prophylactic is positively precarious.
Why was it so hard?(no pun intended). :-p
Do I need to borrow Robin’s costume to disguise myself, in order to make a bold purchase? Though the R on me would stand for, Repressed, Ridiculous, Really Tameka, what the hell in Rong with you,…lol
I take one last stroll through the aisles, thinking I had to have missed them.
“Holy Kleenex Batman! They have to be right underneath my nose and I’m just blowing it.”
I still didn’t find them, which irritated me, cause I didn’t wanna make another stop. However, I decided that it was better to make another stop, no matter how inconvenient it felt, than to have to whisper,…
“Holy nine months of trouble Batman. How did we end up in this pickle?”
See you soon. Same Bat time, same Bat place. 😀