I sit still on the edge of my bed and stare off into the distance. My mind is no where near. I’m thinking about him and tomorrow and I’m nervous. I know my husband senses something is up, and he asks me for the third time if I’m ok. I say yes. What else am I gonna say? Every time I am supposed to meet him, I get this way. I am feeling anxious. How is it going to go? Is he really going to be happy to see me? Will he think that I look beautiful? We’ve been going through these motions for years, and no matter who else he starts seeing, he never wants me to leave. He told me he was happy when I let him know I was getting married, but he didn’t want my new union to break the bond I’d formed with him. I couldn’t stop myself. I thought about breaking it off completely but I was just too weak. I stared at the fresh underwear I’d taken out and laid on my bed in preparation for tomorrow, and suddenly they weren’t good enough. I needed something sexier. Something to jolt him, make him remember me. I wasn’t his one and only, and I craved for him to remember me more than all of the others. I reassessed my outfit, my hairstyle, my shoes. I went into the shower and groomed my intimate places. I needed to make them pretty. I hated myself. I was so willing to do this for him, yet was sometimes barely concerned about anything beyond proper hygiene when it came to my husband. I am a terrible wife. When I come out of the shower, my husband admires my landscape, and he will be the first to benefit and enjoy my freshly groomed pastures. It’s wonderful, but I can’t help but wonder if tomorrow the other man will know that I was recently touched. Will it turn him on or off knowing that I let my husband have his way with me, just a few hours before I let him touch me? ….
Why is going to the gynecologist so emotional?. 🙂