Why Did I Have Children?…..

…..I ask that question, not to indicate any form of regret, but with the day I had today, I had no choice but to reflect.

Over the weekend, the kids tag teamed Kevin and I with vomiting and diarrhea. When one stopped vomiting, the other started. Genesis, (Thank God) is old enough to make it to the toilet, though she was unsuccessful her first attempt and didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. I held back my tears after having to scrounge down and clean a second dose of puke within minutes of the previous child. Xion who doesn’t do baby vomit anymore, decorated half of the square footage of our house with his insides on several different occasions. At one point, Kevin and I looked at each other in defeat wondering if we should just leave the vomit until they got better. I ached for them. Seeing your children in pain is an indescribable torture. When they cried, and their little bodies trembled as they literally spilled their guts, I felt so helpless.  I believe in my heart that if I knew how much I would have loved these children, I may not have decided to become a parent. It’s a different kind of love. It cannot be compared to the love you feel for a spouse or a lover or a friend. It’s almost crippling. It scares you. At least it scares me to love someone that much.

I prayed for God to make them better, give it to me instead.( I am a praying person). He listened. I keep forgetting how literal God can be sometimes.

I watched my babies’ limp little bodies finally rest in our bed, only to suddenly run to the bathroom and put my face exactly where it wasn’t meant to. I puked so much I began to get scared that I was pregnant. I immediately called Kevin and beseeched him to answer me.. (Did you get too happy anytime recently while I was sleepy?). This is a justified question, trust me. :-p

After hours of vomiting on and off, I became weakened and frail.(I lost 4 pounds). All I could do was lay down and think. Think about life, nothing, everything, the kids, Kevin.

Why did I really have children? A decision to do so is pretty big, and for a lot of people not that well thought out. Sometimes it’s even an accident. Funny, you need a license to drive, to sell liquor, to do all sorts of things, but anyone can decide to have a baby.

Both of my kids were consciously conceived. No “whoops omg, ya not gonna believe this” moment. But why did I feel I was ready for the blessing/burden and prepared to take on the responsibility of molding another human’s life? When I met Kevin, we decided within a week of knowing each other that we wanted to make a child. Boom I got pregnant that same week. lol Kid you not, but that’s another story.

But why a child? Was it because I felt that my life would mean more with a child. (Could be). I loved him enough that I wanted to feel joined to him forever. (Maybe). I would have some one to carry on my legacy, (whatever that’ll be). Scared to not have my life mean something.(and Bingo was his name oh).

I am wearing many hats right now, and I do see an exciting future for myself because of my pursuits. I believe my life will have a long arm reach and have a positive impact on many. (I say that to myself in the mirror in the mornings). 🙂 But I get scared. Not as much as I used to, but I still do. Having children for me, was probably a selfish way to make sure I would live on in some way, should I not achieve my goals.

Women like Oprah Winfrey, publicly declare that they don’t want to have children, or many successful women, don’t seem to have that desire, especially famous people, because, children or not, they will live on in film, recordings, and in the minds of many. Is that why we have children. Because of fear of Obscurity?

Whatever my reason, I am glad that I did. Especially when I am laying down on the couch, feeling like the left overs from a few weeks ago and my kids are fighting to rub my belly. There is nothing about that, that I care to question.

It’s funny how sickness or something that physically takes you down, can put your mind into overdrive. Next question to tackle,..

Why the hell did I get married?…………:-)

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About bak2moi

I am a woman trying to balance motherhood and womanhood, while pursuing her dreams. Hopefully I get to keep at least foot on the ground during the process.
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3 Responses to Why Did I Have Children?…..

  1. DJ says:

    interesting read.. i don’t think I’ve ever given much thought to why I decided to become a mother but I do think that for many people, the reasons vary

    Thanks for sharing

  2. Itasha says:

    good read..truthful..felt that way a few days ago when Tajahron was in the hospital…i mirror some of ur feelings..and the reasons do vary… thanks for sharin indeed..bless

  3. Tess says:

    Thx for Sharing – this was definitely a good read!

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